Dear Simon

A Christmas message to you. 25/12/24

Dear Simon,

It’s coming on Christmas; they’re cutting down trees. They’re putting up reindeer and singing songs of joy and peace.

I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

River by Joni Mitchell is my earworm. I don’t want to skate away from Christmas but I feel there is a sense of loss that I want to either run away from or run towards.

That loss is you.

For the first time in eight years, I’m warmed to Christmas. It’s a welcome feeling, even if I don’t know exactly what caused the shift in my mood. The traditional Christmas spirit has finally returned to my door, and I’ve hung decorations and listened to merry tunes. I may not be going door to door singing carols, but there’s glitter in my step.

Despite rediscovering the jolly ho ho ho, my thoughts turn to you, my darling Simon. I can still picture your Bah! Humbug approach to Christmas and then your excitement on the day. You never liked the hype but embraced the closeness this season gave. You took nothing for granted and that’s what I feel this festive season.

This year has been better than the last. I turned fifty, so I am now six years older than you. I got my first tattoo and had surgery to fix my heart from a genetic defect. I published my book, as you instructed me to do. I wish I’d listened to you and published back then, as even though I’m very proud of it, imposter syndrome is still strong. I discovered a few things about myself that I’m currently working on.

Solo is 11 years old and has not calmed down or been quiet since the day we got him. He sticks to me like glue and is my furry cat companion.

I’m missing people at this time of year. Some, like you, have died and others are far away but I’m fortunate to have people I love around me. I try not to think about the fact you’re not walking the earth anymore because this is too much to bear, but at certain times of the year, it’s hard to ignore. Please don’t take this as I’m trying to forget you; it’s just easier to bypass the pain.

This Christmas, I’m with someone I love and I’ve Solo on my lap, giving me comfort and warmth. I’m currently sitting by a fire drinking a Saint Emilion red wine in your memory.

Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on.
I wish I had a river so long I would teach my feet to fly.

You will be glad to know I’m content once more. I still want you to fill the space where you once stood, so the need to skate away to find you is powerful this time of year. I know you’re in a place I can no longer reach you, and as I’m not done with the living world, I guess I’ll have to wait to see you again. Know this: you are not forgotten and are very much missed.

I raise a glass to you, my beautiful Simon and remember the happy times we once shared.

Merry Christmas, my love x

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